Satire: The White House Press Secretary job description

By Matt Collins Article may include affiliate links

Wanted: The White House is now accepting applications for White House Press Secretary. Make up to $3,455 a week. No experience needed.

Job requirements:

  • Willingness to lie, be blindsided or obfuscate on a daily, hourly and minute-by-minute basis.
  • No knowledge of what the word “obfuscate” means required.
  • Having a famous family member a plus.
  • Reality TV experience also a plus.
  • No experience dealing with the media or reporting experience required.
  • However, experience appearing on Fox and OANN panels a plus.
  • Fluency in Russian a plus.
  • Ability to make odd confused or disbelieving faces a plus as well.
  • Must be able to work without any direction or boss — or regularly changing bosses.

Job responsibilities:

  • Handle incoming press inquiries and evade, distort and skew the facts in your responses.
  • Hold press conferences as needed (which will be hardly ever).
  • Lie to young children in annual “bring your child to work day” event.
  • Make public appearances with heads of foreign states.

Must be willing to:

  • Give up all sense of morality.
  • Pledge blind allegiance to commander in chief.
  • Be turned away from restaurants and subsist on a diet of fast food.
  • Spend most of the day curled up under your desk.
  • Work in a high pressure, chaotic environment.
  • Work well wide a wide variety of people, including new faces on a regular basis.

Perks:

  • Competitive salary.
  • Pick your own hours and number of work days each week.
  • Flexibility to leave the job at any time to “spend more time with family.”
  • Guaranteed analyst positions on your choice of Fox or OANN after leaving position.
  • If you don’t like one of your coworkers they probably won’t be around for long.
  • Free trips aboard private aircraft to golf resorts.