Satire: The White House Press Secretary job description

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Wanted: The White House is now accepting applications for White House Press Secretary. Make up to $3,455 a week. No experience needed.

Job requirements:

• Willingness to lie, be blindsided or obfuscate on a daily, hourly and minute-by-minute basis.
• No knowledge of what the word “obfuscate” means required.
• Having a famous family member a plus.
• Reality TV experience also a plus.
• No experience dealing with the media or reporting experience required.
• However, experience appearing on Fox and OANN panels a plus.
• Fluency in Russian a plus.
• Ability to make odd confused or disbelieving faces a plus as well.
• Must be able to work without any direction or boss — or regularly changing bosses.

Job responsibilities:

• Handle incoming press inquiries and evade, distort and skew the facts in your responses.
• Hold press conferences as needed (which will be hardly ever).
• Lie to young children in annual “bring your child to work day” event.
• Make public appearances with heads of foreign states.

Must be willing to:

• Give up all sense of morality.
• Pledge blind allegiance to commander in chief.
• Be turned away from restaurants and subsist on a diet of fast food.
• Spend most of the day curled up under your desk.
• Work in a high pressure, chaotic environment.
• Work well wide a wide variety of people, including new faces on a regular basis.

Perks:

• Competitive salary.
• Pick your own hours and number of work days each week.
• Flexibility to leave the job at any time to “spend more time with family.”
• Guaranteed analyst positions on your choice of Fox or OANN after leaving position.
• If you don’t like one of your coworkers they probably won’t be around for long.
• Free trips aboard private aircraft to golf resorts.