Satire: The White House Press Secretary job description
By Matt Collins Article may include affiliate links
Wanted: The White House is now accepting applications for White House Press Secretary. Make up to $3,455 a week. No experience needed.
- Willingness to lie, be blindsided or obfuscate on a daily, hourly and minute-by-minute basis.
- No knowledge of what the word “obfuscate” means required.
- Having a famous family member a plus.
- Reality TV experience also a plus.
- No experience dealing with the media or reporting experience required.
- However, experience appearing on Fox and OANN panels a plus.
- Fluency in Russian a plus.
- Ability to make odd confused or disbelieving faces a plus as well.
- Must be able to work without any direction or boss — or regularly changing bosses.
- Handle incoming press inquiries and evade, distort and skew the facts in your responses.
- Hold press conferences as needed (which will be hardly ever).
- Lie to young children in annual “bring your child to work day” event.
- Make public appearances with heads of foreign states.
Must be willing to:
- Give up all sense of morality.
- Pledge blind allegiance to commander in chief.
- Be turned away from restaurants and subsist on a diet of fast food.
- Spend most of the day curled up under your desk.
- Work in a high pressure, chaotic environment.
- Work well wide a wide variety of people, including new faces on a regular basis.
- Competitive salary.
- Pick your own hours and number of work days each week.
- Flexibility to leave the job at any time to “spend more time with family.”
- Guaranteed analyst positions on your choice of Fox or OANN after leaving position.
- If you don’t like one of your coworkers they probably won’t be around for long.
- Free trips aboard private aircraft to golf resorts.